Trump Goes to DEFCON 5 on Fox News

All available assets were scrambled in order to defend a vanishing lead.

In defense of his vanishing lead in the polls, shortly after Vice President Harris’ nomination acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, convicted felon-at-large, Donald Trump, called Fox News. Apparently, Truth Social was suffering from a bandwidth problem that would not allow Trump to vent his spleen adequately during Harris’ speech. Fox News anchors, Brett Baier and Martha McCallum immediately seized this unexpected golden opportunity…until it wasn’t.

After Baier’s first question to Trump, the former President launched into a 10-minute harangue about his Democratic opponent, leaving the Fox anchors no recourse but to cut him off in order to continue other programming. Even after they had told Trump “Thank you and goodnight” Baier muttered to Martha under his breath, “He’s still talking.”

Not to be upstaged, CNN’s Jake Tapper reached out via phone to Dr. I.B. Blathering, a world-renowned, ENT surgeon, Research Fellow at the Institute of Oral Pathology and part-time Wal-Mart greeter. “What can you tell us about the former President’s latest rant on Fox News?”, asked Tapper. “Well, these chronic cases of oral diarrhea are extremely difficult to treat. Many of my patients end up being hospitalized and put on ventilators,” Blathering explained. “However, this results in a temporary state of remission because once a patient has fully vented their grievances and subsequently been taken off the ventilator, the recidivism rate is 100%.”

Tapper asked a follow-up question, “So, there’s no cure for this particular form of oral diarrhea?”

“Fortunately, there is a cure for this form of chronic oral diarrhea, a full laryngectomy,” explained the doctor.

“How does that procedure work?”, asked Tapper.

“Let’s just say, the patient will be rendered speechless and at a loss for words.”