new useful idiot wanted

Putin's search for a new sock puppet

Vladimir Putin posted an urgent want ad on Indeed, the international job search website, in his search for a new useful idiot. After Donald Trump’s disastrous debate performance on Monday, Putin told Russia Today that there weren’t enough bots in the world to help rig the election or influence more than 100% of Trump’s MAGA disciples. A Kremlin spokesperson added, “We are dumbing down requirements on job description to get bigger pool of applicants from shallowest end of American gene pool.” In the event the Kremlin is unable to find a suitable candidate, Russian scientists are threatening to use CRISPR to create a useful idiot to their precise designs.

Current applicants include Tucker Carlson, who has already been interviewed by Putin; Rudy Giuliani, Elise Stefanik, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz and Josh Hawley. Rudy Giuliani was rejected due to his severe cognitive decline. Of the remaining candidates for the job, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz seem to have an inside edge. Their tag-team experience in ousting Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House really impressed the Kremlin. “This is kind of idiots we like,” stated the spokesperson.

When reached for comment, Tucker Carlson stated that he had the best chances of landing the job because of his vast experience as a First-Class useful idiot at Fox News, including having his own show. Laura Ingraham, who thought she had an angle on the job, was inconsolable.

Tucker, wearing his ubiquitous frown of comprehension, listens to Putin describe the job.