1: Urinary urgency is inversely proportional to the distance to the nearest restroom.
1a: If within 5 minutes of home, traffic lights increase the urgency by the square root of the distance.
1b: Once porcelain fixtures are seen, there are no assurances of using one in time.
2: Shopping is a special class of activity and is temporarily exempt from Law 1. Urinary urgency is directly proportional to the distance between the nearest restroom and the location of the item for which you are shopping. Once you begin the search for a restroom, Law 1 applies again.
3: No activity lasting longer than 30 minutes will go uninterrupted by the need to urinate. Exception: Sleep activity may last as long as 3 hours before the onset of urinary urgency.
4: The bladder and brain are directly connected by a mysterious, yet undiscovered neural network that takes precedence over all other neural messaging so that the thought of a restroom causes the bladder to contract.
5: Bladder urgency is heavily influenced by the proximity of water. It is most heavily influenced by your hands coming into direct contact with the water. Oceans, rivers, and streams, especially streams with waterfalls, should be avoided. Washing dishes is a 100% trigger for urinary urgency.
6: Bladders never empty, regardless of how many times or for how long you urinate.
6a: When washing your hands after urinating, there is a greater than 50% chance of urinary recidivism.
7: Long road trips should always be planned around clean, easily accessible restroom locations. Hotel lobby restrooms are preferable.
8: Don’t be a hater of diapers or catheters. Karma is a real phenomenon.
* BPH is benign prostatic hyperplasia, a condition commonly found in older men which causes the prostate to grow, and subsequently, crowd the bladder, making the latter less capable of storing copious amounts of urine. In turn, this increases the urgency and frequency of urination.
To join the BPH support group, contact Will E. Make-it at gottagonow.com. Or make a tax-deductible donation to support their advocacy work to have at least one urinal in every multi-porcelain fixture public restroom designated as BPH ONLY.